A Liberal Zionist vocabulary guide

In dealing with the Israel-Palestine issue, you may run across Liberal Zionists. These are a curious bunch… and by curious I mean insincere and whiny apologists for war crimes. These are folks that talk of peace, of coexistence, when they advocate an ethnically-pure state, support the worst war crimes and refuse to take responsibility for them because it’s just not their fault, even though they supported all the policies to make them happen. Despite their hearts being constantly heavy, they refuse to give up the racist privileges that continue occupation and oppression.

I’ve written a handy vocabulary guide so you can better understand these activists for non-change.For your convenience, vocabulary words are conveniently displayed in red. See how nice I am? Now give me your car keys. Don’t make me get my unhinged cousin.

If you want a comprehensive and interesting look at the history of the Liberal Zionist movement and how the Zionist “left” built the apartheid military regime we have today, I suggest False Prophets of Peace, by Tikva Honig-Parnass.

BDS – BDS is bad because it doesn’t promote dialogue. While we could be talking and lamenting, BDS pushes in favour of some kind of action, and that might lead to a resolution of the conflict and then we might have to live as equals instead of enjoying our privilege(while lamenting over it, of course)

Why can’t we all just get along – we take your national symbols, in return we give you free bullets! Free!

Coexistence – coexistence is very important, we must all coexist in spaces which are conducive to photo-ops; after all, we don’t want to be seen as racist(we’re totally not racist.. totally). Of course, after the photo-ops are over with, we all need to go back to our separate spaces because you can’t expect us to live near those natives.

See, if we didn’t have to live near Arabs, we wouldn’t shout “Death to Arabs”

Democracy – a place where millions who live under military rule have no voice in how they are governed and the few million who do get a vote are constantly having to prove they aren’t traitors because they are the wrong religion/ethnicity or for questioning the idea that the ethnocratic military regime they live under isn’t a democracy.

Here we see an Israeli soldier attempting dialogue, unfortunately, the Palestinian does not appear to want dialogue, this is why we can’t have peace.

Dialogue –  something we always need more of. We can’t be rash and divisive, we need to talk, come to an understanding. You say I kidnapped your child and likely tortured her on land that’s not even mine, let’s talk about that. No matter what, talk, talk, talk.. and if more land gets stolen and more people killed in the meantime, well, that’s very tragic… let’s talk about it!

Yeah, there’s really a JNF park built to commemorate some American asshole’s dogs built on top of an ethnically cleansed Palestinian village.. yeah.. really.

Desert(blooming) – Israel is so beautiful! Beautiful! We need to preserve it because it is so green and beautiful! Not like those…. other countries or those Palestinians who can’t manage their water supplies. Oh and those beautiful JNF parks, how can you oppose a place that has such lovely parks.

More bombs and less pictures please.. it makes us look bad!

Gaza – A place that those cowardly politicians on the right refuse to bomb into oblivion. Just because we believe in peace doesn’t mean we’re Arab lovers or something, and don’t want to see Palestinians with broken bones and blown up houses(sanitised of course – all those dead kids make Israel look terrible). They are ruining our dream!

If Muslims were really civilised, they wouldn’t make their mosques so susceptible to peaceful missiles.

Islam – the religion all Palestinians follow. We can’t have peace because of radical Islam(it’s always radical). Islam is uncivilised, we have a clash of civilizations. Israel is a Jewish state but it’s not religious or anything, we have gay pride parades – where are the Khamas gay pride parades?

Why can’t Palestinians just stop and share some hummus with these fine gentlemen? They just don’t want peace!

Hummus – something we want to teach Palestinians to make, then we can sit and eat hummus in peace, but alas, those Palestinians don’t want it for some reason.

Great Wall of China, Berlin Wall.. why are Jews and only Jews not entitled to build walls(on other people’s land)?

Jewish State – we are “liberal” but we support an ethnocracy that is built on the ethnic cleansing of the indigenous people. Why? Well, we need one. Like, things could go wrong any second and we would have to move .. yeah, I know, Jews in the West currently live in safety and are accorded respect but you never know, can’t hurt to have an extra state that belongs to us and only us.

Khamas – the reason we don’t have peace. Khamas is like that dastardly villain in cartoons, sabotaging noble efforts at coexistence. Khamas fires rockets, each rocket creating a small crater in the fragile wall of peace. If only Palestinians would reject Khamas and bring out the Palestinian Gandhi, we would have peace just like that!

Liberal Zionists like Peter Beinart spend at least 2 hours a day lamenting.

Lamentation – Liberal Zionists spend much of their day lamenting and soul searching. As such, they are in a constant state of tragic existence, much like cats but only not at all cute and with no justification. See, the right-wing has taken Zionism to uncomfortable places – like dinners with family and friends where they actually have to justify the ongoing ethnic cleansing and violence that’s finally being exposed. And then the Palestinians, they just don’t want peace. The hope is that all those tears of lamentation will one day mutate into Weeping Occupationist Man – the world’s first superhero that sits on occupied land and floods it with his tears.

War criminal, Tsipi Livni, at a J-street event. J-street is a leading Liberal Zionist organisation in the US.

Likud – is another reason there is no peace. They are boorish. They openly build settlements, they use crude, racist language. They just don’t know how to run a proper occupation..er.. peace, peace, PEACE!

Occupation – Occupation is bad, we must end the occupation(by which we mean only in the ’67 borders, exempting all those settlements because the settlers are scary and we don’t want them living with us. Of course, the bantustan Palestinian ‘state’ we will create will have to be completely disarmed with IDF continuing to provide “security.” So like.. exactly what we have now except with more apartheid.. yay peace!

Peace activists like this woman are an obstacle to peace

Peace – this is all Israel wants and what Palestinians don’t want. When Israel bombs residential houses – they want peace. When Israel steals land – they want peace. When Israel tortures children – yep, peace. When Palestinians object to any of this, it is a clear indication that they don’t want peace.

4 out of 5 zombie experts warn that actually resurrecting Gandhi from the dead may lead to unfortunate consequences.

Peace partner – Liberal Zionists often lament that there is no Palestinian Gandhi or Martin Luther King Jr. By this, they mean a literal Gandhi or MLK, like Palestinians have to raise/clone them from the dead.. and then we can talk about whether or not there should be illegal settlements on Palestinian land.

How can we rush when this guy still has the key from his house, which might be next to ours!

Peace process – the process that creates peace can’t be rushed. Sure, Oslo has been an (intentionally) colossal failure but that’s no reason to rush ahead and do something silly like treat everyone equally or actually remove illegal settlements. No, a true peace can only be achieved with dialogue, followed by more dialogue, and more.

This kind of racism(yes, someone voluntarily carved “Death to Arabs” in his skin) wouldn’t happen if we had an ethnically pure state, which is not racist!

Racist – Liberal Zionists are definitely not racist, nope, not racist, not racist at all. They just want to live in an ethnically-pure state, they just fear an Arab demographic threat(i.e. Arabs existing in greater numbers than they would allow for). There’s nothing racist about that!

See, two sides here, two sides!

Rockets – Rockets interfere with peace, missiles, on the other hand are peaceful. Missiles can even be used to warn people that they are about to be hit with further missiles. Rockets, on the other hand, are fired by the Khamas and therefore bad, even when they do manage to get cats out of trees.

Also, if we get rid of the settlements, this guy might be our neighbour, would you want this guy as your neighbour?

Settlers – like Likud and Netanyahu, are an obstacle to peace. The 600,000+ settlers living illegally in the West Bank is a prime reason that we can’t have two-states and an ethnically-pure Israel. Sure, you can say we put them there, and you would be right, but they don’t help peace, not at all… this causes us to lament.

People like Sarah Tuttle-Singer, who moved from the US to occupied Palestine because it’s her “birthright” spend most of their days drinking coffee on occupied Palestinian streets and soul searching

Soul-searching – Apart from lamenting, Liberal Zionists spend a lot of time soul-searching. There is much to search your soul over – is Zionism corrupting the heart of Jewish culture? Have we gone too far in our ethnic cleansing? Maybe if we spent less time lamenting and more time doing something we would have peace… oh it makes the heart weary too weary to actually do anything… Oh where is Weeping Occupationist Man when we need him?

If you think being an Arab makes war crimes more palatable.. you’re wrong.

Token Arabs – these are people who give us hope. Hope that coexistence works. Hope that one day they will just leave, or lay down and die. Now you may say I’m a dreamer.. but I’m not the only one.

Here is a scary Palestinian terrorist threatening a Jewish civilian tank

Two-sides – this conflict is two-sides. Any attempt to discuss must talk about two sides. Sure, one side is occupied, the other is occupying. One side has rocks and crude rockets, the other has precision guided missiles that somehow land imprecisely on civilian houses. One side can go into homes at night and kidnap children, torture them and imprison them, the other side can’t even arrest settlers who burn children alive.

Guys, this can totally still work right? Guys?….Guys???

Two-state solution – the only possible solution to the current conflict. Anything else would mean having to live with Arabs. Even with apartheid laws treating them like second-class citizens.. they’re still here, with us demographically threatening our Jewish State. Now, with illegal settlements taking up more and more room in the West Bank, Israeli politicians on the right and “left” being firmly pro-full-occupation and the conditions offered to a Palestinian state being so ridiculous that not even Israeli-puppet, Abbas can accept them.. It can still happen right?