UN resolutions: A play

World: Stop building settlements

Israel: lol, no.

World: We are going to issue a not-very-sternly resolution if you don’t.

Israel: OMG!!! U HATE JEWS!!!! ANTISEMITIC BITCHES!!!!

World: *sigh* ok

(Israel builds more settlements, continues to ethnically cleanse Palestine, oppress Palestinians)

World: Ok, Israel, just stop already.

Israel: Lol, no.

World: Don’t make us say something negative.

Israel: WHAT???? U JEW HATING BITCHES!!!! ANTISEMITISM!!! ANTISEMITISM!!!!!

World: *sigh* ok

(Israel builds more settlements, continues to ethnically cleanse Palestine, oppress Palestinians)

Israel: Oh, hey world, there’s this BDS thing that potentially means we will eventually be pressured into stopping committing our war crimes, can y’all repress it in the most fascist ways possible?

World: Oh sure, no prob

(Israel builds more settlements, continues to ethnically cleanse Palestine, oppress Palestinians)

World: Alright Israel, we’ve warned you, here is the not-very sternly worded resolution condemning your illegal settlements

US: We’re just going to sit this one out.

Israel: OMG!!!!!!!!! JEW HATING BITCHES!!! SECOND HOLOCAUST!!!!! THIRD HOLOCAUST!!!!!!! WORSE THAN FOUR HOLOCAUSTS!!!!!! Y U HATE JEWS!!!!! OMG!!!!! WE ARE GOING TO PURPOSELY DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THIS RESOLUTION SAYS PLUS WE WILL YELL AND WHINE AND BE ANNOYING AF!!!!!!!!!

World: Um, we just want you to stop doing the illegal stu…

ISRAEL: ANGERY!!!!!! ANGERY!!!!!! RAAAAAAGE!!!!!! WE WILL IMPOSE SANCTIONS!!!! WE WILL DIVEST FROM COUNTRIES!!! WE WILL BOYCOTT!!!!!! WE WILL COMMIT MORE WAR CRIMES!!!!!!

World: *sigh* ok

(Israel builds more settlements, continues to ethnically cleanse Palestine, oppress Palestinians)

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Peacewashing is gross

So kittens, this happened a few days ago.

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A bunch of Israeli women marched for “peace” in yet another pointless whitewashing exercise that will accomplish nothing. I was rather disappointed to see activists covering this as some act of bravery and saying this wasn’t covered in the media(it was in Haaretz, Ynet, the Washington Post and a bunch of other media – no, I’m not linking, this travesty doesn’t deserve the clicks). This had plenty of media coverage and it was designed to do so, because this is yet another whitewashing propaganda stunt… perhaps I should call it peacewashing.

Peacewashing, or putting up a phony facade of “peace,” in order to continue the status quo in Israel/Palestine, is another tactic, usually used by Liberal Zionists to push the narrative that Israelis just want peas. Peacewashing is shouting “peace” very loudly and doing photo-ops and not actually doing anything. What does “peace” mean? What does a march with no concrete objectives (apart from peas, peas and more peas) accomplish?

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A Pain in My Temple

I am annoyed, kittens. Very, very annoyed. Why am I annoyed? Because the recent uproar over a UNESCO resolution on the status of occupied Palestinian holy sites has been spun in a most ridiculous manner. Reading Israeli and mainstream press you might think that UNESCO has made a resolution that says there are no Jewish ties to Jerusalem or to the Second Temple. People are outraged! Netanyahu is all over the place giving stern, solemn and deeply racist speeches(which is his default state). And you know what? If an international body did say that Judaism has no place in Jerusalem or that the area of Al Aqsa is not important to Jews it would be outrageous as well as obviously factually wrong.

Except. It. Doesn’t.

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A Liberal Zionist vocabulary guide

In dealing with the Israel-Palestine issue, you may run across Liberal Zionists. These are a curious bunch… and by curious I mean insincere and whiny apologists for war crimes. These are folks that talk of peace, of coexistence, when they advocate an ethnically-pure state, support the worst war crimes and refuse to take responsibility for them because it’s just not their fault, even though they supported all the policies to make them happen. Despite their hearts being constantly heavy, they refuse to give up the racist privileges that continue occupation and oppression.

I’ve written a handy vocabulary guide so you can better understand these activists for non-change.For your convenience, vocabulary words are conveniently displayed in red. See how nice I am? Now give me your car keys. Don’t make me get my unhinged cousin.

If you want a comprehensive and interesting look at the history of the Liberal Zionist movement and how the Zionist “left” built the apartheid military regime we have today, I suggest False Prophets of Peace, by Tikva Honig-Parnass.

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Just a little war crime

All I want is to commit a little war crime. Why is this too much to ask?

I want to torture a few people. But they are bad people, they have the wrong colour skin, they speak the wrong language. Just a few. Why not?

I want to rape a few women. They deserve it for reasons I can justify in my mind. Just a few. I’m sure they might even like it.

I want to ethnically cleanse a few towns. Just a handful. Those villagers have plenty of places to go.

I want to execute a few teenagers. I will call them terrorists to make it easier. Families can always have more kids. Besides, didn’t I say they were terrorists?

I want to imprison a few people without trial. You never know, they may have done something bad. We’re all sinners as they say.

Besides, I have a good cause,

I was persecuted. Not by them, but I can pretend it was by them. It is easier that way.

I was expelled. Not by them, but I can pretend it was by them. It is easier that way.

I was tortured. Not by them, but I can pretend it was by them. It is easier that way.

I was ethnically cleansed. Not by them, but I can pretend it was by them. It is easier that way.

I was raped. Not by them, but I can pretend it was by them. It is easier that way.

I saw my family murdered. Not by them, but I can pretend it was by them. It is easier that way.

You see, this war crime, this little, little war crime, it’s not such a big deal. Why do you deny me?

You must hate me.

 

A hasbara guide to being Palestinian with cherry tomatoes

First of all, let me dedicate this blog post to a Twitterer who has given me the inspiration only cherry tomatoes can provide. (oh and follow him, he’s a damn good follow!)

Note: this is advanced stuff. If you are unfamiliar with the basics of hasbara, please see my basic guide to doing pro-Israel hasbara.

Now, there may come a time, as a pro-Israel activist, where you have to give voice to the people you are occupying to sound authentic, or to appear less fascist. While this is burdensome, it is necessary, not just to “convince” your audience but also to convince yourself; after all, people are happy that you expelled them and keep those that remain under brutal military rule right? Right? RIGHT! Damn you recurring nightmares you won’t get me yet! safeplacesafeplacesafeplacesafeplacedreamofBibi’sbigstrongarmssafeplacesafeplacesafeplacesafeplace.

Ahem, ignore that last bit.

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Missing the forest for the tree(deliberately)

Poor Israel! Poor Israel! Again it has been horrifically slandered, this time by a horrible anti-Semitic Jew named Bernie Sanders who accused Israel of murdering 10,000 Palestinians in its latest invasion and massacre of Gaza in 2014. Oh it has me verklempt! 10,000! It was only around 1,500, including 551 children! Slander! Blood libel!(really, yes, really)

Sanders was not that far off – while he was mistaken on how many Israel butchered – there were over 10,000 injured, many severely and between 2000 and today, Israel has murdered more than 10,000 Palestinians. In fact, his mistake just highlights how many war crimes and atrocities Israel has committed against the Palestinian people – so many that it is hard for people to keep up.

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