A Liberal Zionist vocabulary guide

In dealing with the Israel-Palestine issue, you may run across Liberal Zionists. These are a curious bunch… and by curious I mean insincere and whiny apologists for war crimes. These are folks that talk of peace, of coexistence, when they advocate an ethnically-pure state, support the worst war crimes and refuse to take responsibility for them because it’s just not their fault, even though they supported all the policies to make them happen. Despite their hearts being constantly heavy, they refuse to give up the racist privileges that continue occupation and oppression.

I’ve written a handy vocabulary guide so you can better understand these activists for non-change.For your convenience, vocabulary words are conveniently displayed in red. See how nice I am? Now give me your car keys. Don’t make me get my unhinged cousin.

If you want a comprehensive and interesting look at the history of the Liberal Zionist movement and how the Zionist “left” built the apartheid military regime we have today, I suggest False Prophets of Peace, by Tikva Honig-Parnass.

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Just a little war crime

All I want is to commit a little war crime. Why is this too much to ask?

I want to torture a few people. But they are bad people, they have the wrong colour skin, they speak the wrong language. Just a few. Why not?

I want to rape a few women. They deserve it for reasons I can justify in my mind. Just a few. I’m sure they might even like it.

I want to ethnically cleanse a few towns. Just a handful. Those villagers have plenty of places to go.

I want to execute a few teenagers. I will call them terrorists to make it easier. Families can always have more kids. Besides, didn’t I say they were terrorists?

I want to imprison a few people without trial. You never know, they may have done something bad. We’re all sinners as they say.

Besides, I have a good cause,

I was persecuted. Not by them, but I can pretend it was by them. It is easier that way.

I was expelled. Not by them, but I can pretend it was by them. It is easier that way.

I was tortured. Not by them, but I can pretend it was by them. It is easier that way.

I was ethnically cleansed. Not by them, but I can pretend it was by them. It is easier that way.

I was raped. Not by them, but I can pretend it was by them. It is easier that way.

I saw my family murdered. Not by them, but I can pretend it was by them. It is easier that way.

You see, this war crime, this little, little war crime, it’s not such a big deal. Why do you deny me?

You must hate me.


A hasbara guide to being Palestinian with cherry tomatoes

First of all, let me dedicate this blog post to a Twitterer who has given me the inspiration only cherry tomatoes can provide. (oh and follow him, he’s a damn good follow!)

Note: this is advanced stuff. If you are unfamiliar with the basics of hasbara, please see my basic guide to doing pro-Israel hasbara.

Now, there may come a time, as a pro-Israel activist, where you have to give voice to the people you are occupying to sound authentic, or to appear less fascist. While this is burdensome, it is necessary, not just to “convince” your audience but also to convince yourself; after all, people are happy that you expelled them and keep those that remain under brutal military rule right? Right? RIGHT! Damn you recurring nightmares you won’t get me yet! safeplacesafeplacesafeplacesafeplacedreamofBibi’sbigstrongarmssafeplacesafeplacesafeplacesafeplace.

Ahem, ignore that last bit.

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Missing the forest for the tree(deliberately)

Poor Israel! Poor Israel! Again it has been horrifically slandered, this time by a horrible anti-Semitic Jew named Bernie Sanders who accused Israel of murdering 10,000 Palestinians in its latest invasion and massacre of Gaza in 2014. Oh it has me verklempt! 10,000! It was only around 1,500, including 551 children! Slander! Blood libel!(really, yes, really)

Sanders was not that far off – while he was mistaken on how many Israel butchered – there were over 10,000 injured, many severely and between 2000 and today, Israel has murdered more than 10,000 Palestinians. In fact, his mistake just highlights how many war crimes and atrocities Israel has committed against the Palestinian people – so many that it is hard for people to keep up.

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Imagine you’re 14 years old. Imagine that, for as long as you’ve gone to school, you have to go through a checkpoint. Imagine that most days there are lines. Imagine the soldiers are rude to you, sometimes they search you, sometimes they consider your request to have a female guard to be unreasonable. Imagine the soldier’s hands.


Imagine your school was demolished. It didn’t have a permit, but they don’t give Palestinians permits. Imagine having to hold classes in the hot sun. Imagine thinking at least you’re not like your neighbour, who is your age and has to do laborious farm work in a settlement where he is often beaten and subjected to racist abuse.

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Stop saying “Jews” when you mean Israel

I’ve got a horrible story to share with you, a story of horrific persecution. Two teenagers attempted to get their girlfriends a nice present but instead were chased down by police, put in handcuffs and arrested, merely for trying to be romantic, caring boyfriends. These days a man has to worry if a romantic gesture will end up in a jail term.

But this isn’t an isolated incident, today, a nice Jewish boy has been singled out for being Jewish. Yesterday, a man went shopping and didn’t buy faux-Arab chickpea spread because it was made by Jews. A few weeks ago, people picketed an environmental group because it was made up of Jews. Jews can’t even post on Facebook without being criticised. It’s as if there’s something about Jews that makes them inherently hated by non-Jews.

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Why don’t I criticise Syria?

Why don’t I criticise Syria?

Why don’t I complain about GMOs in our food?

Why am I not more outspoken on poverty in Africa?

Why don’t I address the hurricane that just hit a town not too far away?

Why don’t I talk about medical malpractice?

Why am I not outraged by opiate abuse among our nation’s middle class white kids?

Why don’t I ever discuss people with disabilities?

What about the plight of fish? Don’t I care about the plight of fish?

Why do you ask me these questions?

I don’t see that Tibetan activist talking about Syria. Is she a hypocrite?

Oh and that Syrian activist has never mentioned Tibet, fish or hurricanes.

Curiously, I don’t see you doing any of these things.

Oh, right. Well, let me ask you.

Why don’t YOU criticise Israel?