Islam – the duck-billed platypus in a room full of otters: an otterly useful vocabulary guide

Do you read mainstream press? Are you confused about certain words that pop up in articles about Muslims? Are you looking to sound smart at Trump rallies? Have no fear! I am here to educate you about common scary sounding words that are associated with Islam. I will do so with overblown and nonsensical similes that tingle the senses, like an electric eel in an octopus costume with the tentacles of education providing the electroshock of enlightenment in every paragraph.

Allahdoes not mean God in Arabic. Nope, I don’t care what Muslims.. and Arab Christians tell you, ‘God’ doesn’t sound scary. ‘God is great'(‘Allahu akbar’) doesn’t sound scary and how are we supposed to scare people with non-scary words? Also, this bit about Muslims saying “Allahu akbar” during their prayers? Totally not scary, stop bringing that stuff up.


Wearing a bacon costume will protect you from the Islam so a cautious infidel will don a bacon costume whenever they leave the house.

Bacon(a.k.a. Muslim kryptonite) – bacon is a magical food. With +1 Bacon Powers, you become immune to the effects of Islam and become a holy warrior in the Crusade against Islam. Did you know that if a Muslim comes in contact with bacon, they melt? Its true! So true that Presidential candidate Donald Trump once touted a story about Muslim prisoners being shot with bullets coated in pig fat as an example of sound foreign policy and a Presidential candidate would never lie…unless they had ties to the Muslim Brotherhood(which they all do). Oh and if you’re wondering, the moral of the story is that shooting captive POWs is a war crime with or without pork.


Cats, great at creeping, are definitely spreading Sharia, they are evil, after all, and the Prophet Mohammed liked them.

Creeping Sharia – the type of Sharia that’s in majority non-Muslim countries. Unlike regular Sharia, it creeps up on you, like.. you’re sitting in a cafe eating a non-halal breakfast pastry with extra bacon(just in case) and BAM! Sharia comes and hits you in the head with a water balloon, because that’s how they spread.. one droplet of water at a time.


LGBT rights hero, Congressman Steve King(R-Iowa) – keeping gays safe from Muslims(and keeping Western civilisation safe from unions of man and lawnmower)

Gay and women’s rights – become important only when it concerns Islam and Muslims. Sure, the people who all of a sudden become concerned about how LGBT and women are treated in Muslim-majority countries are the same people who fight against LGBT and women’s rights in their own countries and exhibit the same amount of hate for feminists and LGBT activists as they do for Muslims, but it’s not like hypocrisy and cognitive dissonance are bad things, right?


The US government failed at keeping Muslims like Malcolm X out of this country, as a result we are laden with awful things like the Civil Right movement.

Go back to your country – a common greeting for Muslims. In case a Muslim is a citizen of your country, or can date their ancestry back to before your country was founded, just feign ignorance(as you do for everything else). In case the Muslim responds, “but I can’t go back because your foreign policy caused my country to be uninhabitable” respond by asking them why they want to impose Sharia law on you while pointing a stick of bacon at them.

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This was once anti-Islam crusader Geert Wilders, until he had a bite of halal chicken.

Halal – magical, delicious food that instantly converts anyone eating it, or merely inhaling the aroma into a Muslim. As all food with a few exceptions is halal, the cautious Islamophobe is advised to restrict their diet to bacon and jello shots.


Hijab – a scarf some Muslim women wear to cover their hair – which leeches into their brain stem causing them to lose all individuality and power and to become subservient and submissive. Far from being a head covering that women wear for religious reasons, it is a symbol of oppression and subjugation. Fighting women who voluntarily wear hijab is just as liberating as fighting mandatory hijab laws, because nothing says liberation like telling women what to wear.


Hitlera poor, misunderstood victim of Islam. If not for the evil Mooslems, Adolf Hitler would be hosting Hanukkah celebrations in Berlin… and wouldn’t have invaded Poland if they hadn’t those delicious pierogies.


Nothing is as patriotic as baseball and open racism

Infidel – calling yourself an infidel (combined with +1 bacon armour and a +2 sword of bacon) is the ideal way to protect yourself from the Islam. Sure, you live in a country where you and your religion and skin colour are in the majority, but you have to make it clear to a persecuted minority that no sirreee, you are not going to bow and submit to them(I know they haven’t asked you too, but they could! And when you do, you got that t-shirt ready). Some may say that its ironic for proclaimed Christians to don infidel gear but they’re just a bunch of libtard, SJW lily-underweared dhimmis.


Here we see a duck-billed platypus rubbing his paws together because he has Western society fooled.

Islam – its a religion! Its not a religion! Its a plane! Its a a duck-billed platypus which superficially resembles an otter! See, Islam, unlike other religions is not a religion because it affects a Muslim’s every day life – whereas Jews, Christian, Buddhists, etc. don’t practise their faith outside their place of worship. Muslims, however, do things like vote based on their religious values, give charity because their religion commands them to, and celebrate specific religious holidays. Also Islam means submission to God, which is a totally outrageous concept. For more, see my book Otter deception: The duck-billed platypuses secretly in our midst.


Jihadi babies can be identified by their beards


Jihad – the way Muslims spread their faith, either through violence or through stealth ninja-jihad(jihadjitsu if you will). Any violence committed by a Muslim is considered jihad, like that bearded guy cutting you off this morning? Traffic jihad. The hijabi who “accidentally” spilled water on you?  No accident, water jihad. Jihadjitsu includes such notorious things as baby jihad(Jihad Jr.), civilisation jihad, and fitness jihad(do we really want a bunch of muscular Muslims here while Western capitalism is maximising our adipose potential?) Sure, Muslims say that the concept of jihad is completely misunderstood, but who are you going to believe – some scholar with some fancy degree or Joe Infidelshmoe on the internet?

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If she were a real moderate, her flag hijab would be flaggier. Fringes??!?! Our soldiers did not die for our freedom to have fringes on the flag!!!

Moderate Muslim – a Muslim who has no political opinions except for blanket agreement with Western imperialist foreign policy, who doesn’t really practise their faith(cuz that’s scary and upsetting to white folks and we can’t have that) and who has absolutely no positive feeling towards their nationality or homeland. Moderate Muslims can easily turn into radical Muslims the second they disagree with a white person on anything.

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Don’t be fooled, this “little girl” just learned how to brush her teeth, just like the terrorists do.



Muslim Brotherhood – An exclusive club that anyone who is Muslim or associates with a Muslim joins, whether they know it or not. Contrary to the name, one does not have to be male, or even human to join the Muslim Brotherhood – all one has to do is say something remotely not nasty about Muslims in public. Estimates of Muslim Brotherhood membership around the world range anywhere from a few hundred thousand to 28 billion. It works like this:

Ran Domguy says, “ISIS doesn’t represent the majority of Muslims” -> turns out Ran Domguy once bought a kebab -> The owner of the kebab store once listened to an oud concert -> the oud player’s cousin’s dermatologist’s dog walker’s car maintenance guy bought a book by Scary Sounding Person who founded the Muslim Brotherhood branch in Middleofnowhereka, Oklahoma -> Ran Domguy is a secret Muslim Brotherhood member who’s creeping at you with the Sharia.



Radical Muslim – All Muslims who aren’t moderate, are radical. You really don’t need to know more than that, all 1.6 billion Muslims in the world can be easily categorised into these two categories.


I bet you thought I’d add a pun here, but no, I will refrain and pun when the date is ripe

Ramadan – the Muslim holy month of fasting where a non-cautious infidel may be assaulted by an influx of date puns, protect yourself by asking lots of really dumb questions.


Here we see six threats to Western Civilisation – the solution? Bomb their homeland, bombs fix everything, they’re like the Duck Tape of weapons

Refugee – A person who wants to come to Western countries to commit crime and rape white women and not because Western countries have invaded and bombed their home country or are promoting policies which cause their homelands to be unsafe and sometimes uninhabitable.


I interrupt this post with a pun, Ymayyad bruh?

Saudi Arabia – The country that represents how all Muslims everywhere in the world live..because reasons. Women can’t drive in Saudi Arabia(and only Saudi Arabia) that is why Islam is bad, therefore if you see a Muslim woman, inform her that in Islam a woman can’t drive, because Saudi Arabia. If you see a Muslim who thinks atheists should have rights, inform her that under Islam, Raif Badawi was sentenced to 1,000 lashes and 10 years in prison. When she says that Saudi Arabia doesn’t represent Muslims, shout taqiyya and/or use your bacon shield for defence.


Sharia – The scary thing that  Muslims try to spread everywhere they go – like Nutella. In the West, it is often creeping(seriously, it’s creeping everywhere these days!). Sharia is totally what They will impose on our society if we stop bombing Them and not eat sufficient quantities of bacon and is totally about imposing a Saudi/ISIS-style theocracy in the West(including places like the US where theocracy is barred by the Constitution, much to the chagrin of those who rail loudest about Sharia “law”).


Can you spot the secret Muslim in this picture? Trick question! They are BOTH secret Muslims.

Secret Muslim – What anyone who isn’t as bigoted as you is. Remember when Grandma Betty disagreed with you that halal turkeys are being used to convert people to Islam over Thanksgiving turning our beloved national holiday into a mockery as people’s beards grow with every bite of cranberry-sauce and poultry??!?!?!??! Yeah, she’s one of them.


Beware the halal taqiyaaria, where those taqos are deceptively difficult to eat

Taqiyya – Whenever a Muslim says something positive about their religion, or contradicts your vast knowledge of Islam(which you got from reading a hate site on the internet), they are practising Taqiyya, or as Western Islamophobes that know nothing about Islam describe it as: lying because Muslims are allowed to lie to further their global conspiracy of taking over the world through ninja-stealthmode jihad. Therefore don’t bother your pretty little head with looking things up, or listening to Muslims when they explain their religion to you, whenever your worldview is contradicted, just accuse the speaker of taqiyya and threaten them with bacon.


Totally not racist – it’s totally not racist to call Muslims rapists, pedophiles, to accuse them of bestiality, of controlling the world, of wanting to kill you.  – because Islam isn’t a race and free speech! Free speech! So saying all this is totally ok! Whew! Glad we got that sorted.





4 thoughts on “Islam – the duck-billed platypus in a room full of otters: an otterly useful vocabulary guide

    1. Islam, of course.
      It will feature sharia mini-donuts and will be attached to America’s most sacred institutions – drive thrus.


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