A hasbara guide to being Palestinian with cherry tomatoes

First of all, let me dedicate this blog post to a Twitterer who has given me the inspiration only cherry tomatoes can provide. (oh and follow him, he’s a damn good follow!)

Note: this is advanced stuff. If you are unfamiliar with the basics of hasbara, please see my basic guide to doing pro-Israel hasbara.

Now, there may come a time, as a pro-Israel activist, where you have to give voice to the people you are occupying to sound authentic, or to appear less fascist. While this is burdensome, it is necessary, not just to “convince” your audience but also to convince yourself; after all, people are happy that you expelled them and keep those that remain under brutal military rule right? Right? RIGHT! Damn you recurring nightmares you won’t get me yet! safeplacesafeplacesafeplacesafeplacedreamofBibi’sbigstrongarmssafeplacesafeplacesafeplacesafeplace.

Ahem, ignore that last bit.

So, today we’re going to learn a tried and true technique that’s been used successfully by slave owners, South African apartheidists, dictatorships all over the world – that technique is speaking for the people you oppress. You might think that this means giving those people an actual voice, but don’t worry, that is silly – besides, with video cameras – beating people into saying the things you want doesn’t work well(outside kangaroo court trials). You may get lucky and find someone who’s willing to sell out their people for a quick buck, but the problem with them is that they are real people with baggage and biographies that are easily found and people tend to think they lack credibility, or ethics.

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Palestinian Muslims often use crucifix imagery

No, what I’m talking about is pretending to be an oppressed minority that loves being an oppressed minority. We are going to be learning how to impersonate a Palestinian Muslim on-line (all Palestinians are Muslim, don’t worry).

Note: THIS IS IMPORTANT, DO NOT BRING UP BESTIALITY, DO NOT. – While your social media feed may tell your that Arabs are fond of naughty stuff with goats, they apparently aren’t and this is a racist stereotype that turns people off so do not bring it up, even though I know you want to.

So here you go, here is how to be an authentic Palestinian on-line:

-Remember all the things you learned about Arabs and Muslims in school – like, they ride camels, they worship in mosques, they’re into some kind of voodoo foot washing ritual. Do not rely on stereotypes – Muslim Arabs are very sensitive people, easily offended when you call them terrorists and pedophiles. I know, I know, but this is what we have to work with.

Palestinians hate Jews, this is why this conflict exists, because they hate Jews. Make sure you bring up how much you hate Jews at every turn. IMPORTANT – make sure you tell them you love Israel, and give them good reasons why, but hate Jews, this will make you authentic.

Use Arabic words, even if you don’t know Arabic – remember, this will make you sound authentic. When you greet someone on-line, don’t just say “hi,” say something like “Allahu akbar you kufr, did you do your algebra?” See, that’s 3 Arabic terms, now you sound like a real Palestinian Muslim.

-Palestinians are very proud of where they are from for some reason. Be careful here, we don’t want to acknowledge that we expelled nearly a million and have been brutally occupying the indigenous population for almost 70 years. When referring to where you’re “from” make sure to tie in the Jewish connection to the land.

-Don’t forget in all the fun and acting that you’re here to promote Israel. Make sure to tie in your pro-Israel advocacy in every single interaction. Remember, the point is to make sure people know that Arabs and Muslims love Israel and because you have an authentic voice, you can push a bit harder. Tell them how much you love being beaten by the IDF(please refer to beatings as massages), tell them how you love your house raided nightly(an opportunity to throw away things I didn’t need!).

Let’s try, and remember, no racist stereotypes!:


MashedAllykufrs! I am Abdul, I am a real Muslim from Palestine. A real live Muslim. I go to a mosque and I read the Quran all day and I’m really from Palestine. I’m from Hebron where there has been a continuous Jewish presence since the Jewish dinosaurs had their first Hannukah celebration. I hate Jews but I love Israel. Israel invented the cherry tomato and even though I hate Jews, I love cherry tomatoes. I eat cherry tomatoes right after I pray at the mosque. I eat cherry tomatoes as I read the Quran. I eat cherry tomatoes as I shout “death to Jews, Yam Israel Chai!” Oh and I do not have sex with goats.

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As a real Muslim, I am very happy living under occupation. Some say checkpoints are oppressive; but I say they give me time to think about things like not having sex with goats. I always go to the checkpoint with plenty of delicious Israeli cherry tomatoes, grown in Israeli neighbourhoods next to mine that I’m not allowed to visit because they are only for Jews – which is great! Because I hate Jews almost as much as I hate having sex with goats!

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Did you know that the Quran gives Israel to the Jews. Now I hate the Jews, did I mention I hate the Jews, but the Quran is an important book that I read all the time while eating delicious cherry tomatoes. I also say words like “Inchallah“(which means bread-willing – did you know Israel invented the challah which is delicious with cherry tomatoes), “Allahu Akbar” a lot, but I don’t blow myself up because the Quran says nothing about cherry tomatoes in Jannah.

Another thing I hate almost as much as I hate Jews is BDS. BDS cost me my job at the Sodastream factory. I had such a nice boss. He lived in one of those Jewish-only communities next to my neighbourhood. What a guy! His family was so nice that they threw trash at me on my way to the checkpoint! Free trash! Free! Now those are the kinds of values that explain why Israel is so prosperous and why we Palestinian Muslims are not. I loved that job, going through checkpoints, being treated differently and paid less than Jews, I hate Jews I don’t want to be treated like them!

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The best part of my day was coming back from the Sodastream factory when I’d have to go through the checkpoint. The IDF soldiers gave me free massages! Afterwards, I’d buy some Israeli cherry tomatoes and eat them on my way to the mosque. Then I’d go home and beat my four..oops two! two! wives and not have sex with goats.

Now my Sodastream job is gone and me, my two wives and my goats are very sad. Thanks a lot BDS. If these pro-Khamas BDSers get their way, I will lose my daily massages and I will have to buy my own trash and I will have to eat Palestinian cherry tomatoes which lack that particular flavour that Israeli cherry tomatoes have.

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Remember, me, Ahmed from Jenin where there has been a continuous Jewish presence since King David lost one of his coins passing through. That Jewish coin gives European Jews legitimate title to my land and I’m happy to let them have it. More land for them, more cherry tomatoes for me. And remember, hate Jews, not the occupation.


Wow, that was convincing, that convinced me. I’m so happy that we provide the benefits of occupation to people like Abdul. And this, Israel advocate is why your job is so important, we need to combat the BDSers or millions of Palestinians will be denied checkpoints, and will be forced to live alongside Jews as equals. We can’t let that happen.

Do it for the cherry tomato.

 

 

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