Kids, how would you like for adults to not just allow, but encourage you to call people names on-line? You can even use bad words! All you have to do is post some mindless memes and cut and paste some statements defending an apartheid military regime in the Middle East that’s been occupying and ethnicaly cleansing the indigenous people for decades. Doesn’t that sound fun?
What’s that? This is unethical? Stupid? You’re telling your mommy?
You anti-Semitic twats, you’re all Muslims aren’t you?
Please note: This is a parody but every example taken has been from a personal encounter with a hasbara troll(or 10). For a real example of a hasbara manual, please see here.
Alright, those of you who are still with me, get your underpants on(optional) and ….Yam Israel Chai!!!!!
Start by calling whoever you’re talking to a ‘moron’ or some other pejorative. This immediately sets up your intellectual superiority. Don’t just leave it like this, follow up with a positive fact about Israel, this will leave a good impression. The fact doesn’t have to be related to the person’s statement, in fact, a completely unrelated statement may make a bigger impression as the person is wondering why you brought up tomatoes in a discussion on nuclear warfare.
- Israel critic: “Demolishing the homes of people who have not committed any crime is a violation of international law“
- Hasbarist: “Poopie-pants buttmuncher! Israel is innovating child-care in vulnerable populations!“
- Israel critic: “That has nothing to do with what I said.”
- Hasbarist: “Penis toker! Israel is thiiiiiiiiiis close to curing dragon pox!”
Post memes, memes are persuasive and full of evidence that you’re otherwise too lazy to go research yourself(remember, time learning and studying could be spent online, “convincing” strangers how wonderful Israel is). Don’t worry, there are tons of pre-made meme banks to minimise any thinking time(no I am not linking one, I am not a sadist). Don’t worry which meme you post, they are ALL GOOD.
- Israel critic: “Why does Israel continue to encourage settlement on occupied territory knowing it puts its own civilians at risk?”
- Hasbarist: “Oh yeah? Well take a look at this!”
Bring up anti-Semitism immediately. Remember, the ONLY reason people criticise Israel is because they hate Jews. Therefore, it doesn’t matter what they say, they hate Jews. Don’t let them get away with it.
- Israel critic: There’s no need to pump bullets into 13 year old Palestinian girls even if they are carrying scissors.
- Hasbarist: Shut up you filthy anti-Semite!
- Israel critic: I’m the chief of the IDF.
- Hasbarist: You’re nothing but a disgusting Jew hater.
Make sure to say “there is an Arab on the Supreme Court” at least once per minute, maybe more. Bring up Israel being the only democracy in this dimension repeatedly. If anything else, they will agree with you just to make you shut up.
- Israel critic: “Why does Israel appropriate water that belongs to the Palestinians, strangling farmers and forcing people to drink poor quality water?”
- Hasbarist: “Water? Do you know there’s an Arab on the Israeli Supreme Court who drinks water? If Israel wasn’t the only democracy that ever existed anywhere including ancient Greece, would we give the Arab on the Israeli Supreme Court water???”
Bring up Islam for no reason whatsoever. This conflict is 100% to do with Islam, Islam, Islam, Islam. Islam is the problem, Islam is the solution, Islam is the keymaster. The person you are talking to is a radical Islamist, even if they do look like your grandmother.. or are your grandmother. When in doubt, start shouting or showing pictures of bacon, this will cause all Muslims within a certain radius to melt.
- Israel critic: “The imprisonment and torture of kids in Israeli prisons must end.”
- Hasbarist: “That’s just taqqiya, you jihadi turban head!”
- Israel critic: “I’m a Sikh and what does that have to do with anything.”
- Hasbarist: “BACON BACON BACON BACON”
Religion is totally a convincing way to convince people that Israel deserves to exist as a racist apartheid fascist military regime. But don’t be too religious, after all, you don’t want to look like some religious nutjob.
- Israel critic: “It isn’t right in the 21st century for any state to exist for only one ethnic group. A state should represent all its citizens, and make sure citizenship and residency exists for all those who have a right to it.”
- Hasbarist: “God intended for Israel to exist as a Jewish-only state, only then will Jesus come back and raise the zombies so we can all have a Merry Zombiemass”
- Israel critic: I’m an atheist and this isn’t a religous conflict.
- Hasbarist: “I’m an atheist too, and God said that if an inch of this land is given to Palestinians, you will all get smitten“
Bring up Hamas. Just like Islam, you can’t mention Hamas enough. Hamas is at fault for EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! HAMAS IS THE REASON I’M TYPING IN CAPS. Hamas also has a charter who no one cares about except Hasbarists, who at one point must memorise, and recite it.
- Israel critic: “You stepped on my foot”
- Hasbarist: “That was Hamas.”
- Israel critic: “Hamas? I saw YOU step on my foot!”
- Hasbarist: “Have you read the Hamas charter? On page 394 it clearly says Hamas will step on feet.“
Use your own voice. We often get accused of being too scripted, just be yourself.
- Israel critic: “As a Jew, I see the racism endured by my family and don’t like it being done by my people”
- Hasbarist: “I hope you get raped by Hamas you junglemonkey loving kapo too bad Hitler didn’t kill your family!”
- Israel critic: “That’s sexism, antisemitism and racism all in one very poorly written sentence…”
- Hasbarist: “If you don’t love Israel after that then you deserve to be beheaded by ISIS”
Remember, facts don’t matter. Don’t be afraid to bring up outdated, offensive or even ridiculous things. Most people aren’t going to fact check and if you repeat something often enough, it will become true. Also use lots of scare quotes. Lots.
- Israel critic: “It is disgusting how Palestinians can’t even farm without the Israeli military or settlers disrupting their livelihoods.”
- Hasbarist: Those “fakestanians” with their “Hamasistan” government “don”‘t want olives, “they” hate “Jews” “and” “they” hate Jewish olives. “If” they loved Jew”ish” olives they “wou”ldn’t “eat” olives. Who eats “olives”? Cannibals!
Do neglect grammar. Israel is under attack! Every second you’re not typing someone could be not buying crappy hummus! Besides, grammar is antisemitic. You know who loved commas? Hitler’s dog did! Arf heil, that should be in the passive tense! Is that who you want to be? Is it???
- Israel critic: Palestinians have a right to self-defence.
- Hasbarist: wt u takkig but u sshol u mumu s footer an in llama.
- Israel critic: Huh?
- Hasbarist: MAM IRSYOYEL CHAIR!!!
Lets put that all together.
- Israel critic: “Sir, you were going 100 mph in a 25 mph zone. I’m going to need license and registration.”
- Hasbarist: “Muron!!!! U Jeve hatter! Y U hat ‘Isreal’?! F**king Mohammed!”
- Israel critic: “What the hell are you on, son?”
- Hasbarist: “Idiut!!! We “Jews” have had it, we are the only democreshy in the “middle” “east” We hav en “Arab” in R “Supreme” “court” Ahmed go cut of heds “or” something.
- Israel critic: “Sir, step out of the car please”
- Hasbarist: “U Boob beater!!!! Proud “infidel” I wont “submet” Israel inventad harpies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here, lyke at this!!!!
- Israel critic: “If you don’t step out of the car, I will be forced to tase you.”
- Hasbarist: “Putz smasher! “Go” git butt raped by ISIS”
- Israel critic: *tases*
- Hasbarist: AAAAAAAARGH!!! “ARab Supreem AAAAARGH Curt!!!!! KHAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS“