The Case for Burglary

This is a guest post by Phil Oni. Phil has been an armed robber, burglar and con artist for over two decades. He has won several accolades for his work in breaking into houses and terrorising the residents inside. He is the author of several books including “Breaking up is hard to do: A modern tribute to the crowbar” and “How much is that dog in the window? Who cares?”

Hi folks, Phil Oni here. I’ve been a burglar for over 20 years, an armed burglar and I have to speak out. I am SICK of the double standards.

I’ve been called names: “criminal”, “scoundrel”, “cad”, “not nice person” for what? For doing my job. Every day I go to work just like anyone else but I and MY profession gets singled out for harassment.  I don’t see people going up to a nurse and trying to put her in jail for giving shots! Those needles are sharp! But God forbid I break into your home and take your things, tie you up and put a gun to your kids. All Hell breaks loose!

Besides, there are other crimes. Why aren’t you “anti-crime” whiners going after murderers and rapists?  They’re rapin‘ and murderin‘ everyone out here but the minute I pry open your door, it’s “lock up the burglar.” There could be a murder going on right around the block, but what are you doing? Whining about burglary. This is discrimination!

Why aren’t you out there condemning Hitler?
Burglar hater! When will the anti-burglary crowd hate Hitler more than they hate burglars?

So you complain about your stuff. Guess what? We are all entitled to stuff. Why am I not worthy enough to have a large flat-screen TV. I live in an apartment complex where every single house has a large flat-screen TV. So I went out and stole one so I can have one too, in my little one-bedroom. But all of a sudden, “I’m not entitled to have this TV.” “It’s against the law.” I was a lone TV-less man in a sea of flat-screens, and the minute I get one? Double standard!

I have to say, I am a God-fearing man and I consult God before every single job and God tells me “Phil, I want you to have this computer” or “Phil, you need this iPhone for your survival.” Who am I to go against God? Who are you to go against God? If you were any sort of believer you’d be sending me crowbars and bribing the judge!

That’s another thing. Judges are biased! The whole system is biased. Biased, anti-burglar politicians have enacted punitive laws to threaten my way of life. I go into a courtroom and say “Yes, I broke into his house and put a gun to his head until he gave me his bank passwords” and what will happen? Acceptance? Praise for my chutzpah? No, they will try to put me in prison. For what? For wanting what everyone else has? Blatant double standard.

Another thing. I come into your home, scare you to near-death and your biased-self does what? Try to call the cops? Don’t you realise this is an act of violence? That call is an existential threat to my existence! You want me wiped off the neighbourhood map! I see through your lies. Those fake cries of “I deserve to live in safety,” and “I don’t want to get shot” is just a mask for wanting my destruction. You should be ashamed of yourself!

Got that folks? I am no longer standing for these double standards. No longer will I accept the criminal justice system, an existential threat to my survival. I will not accept my existence to be delegitimised. I have rights and I’m standing up for them!

Get used to it!

(oh and Marsha? Could you be so kind as to leave your door unlocked? I need a new stereo)

Best wishes,

Phil